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What am I doing with it? July 27, 2011

Posted by solrai in Current, Lord Help Me.
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In a downward dog position this evening I look at my thighs who are closely hugging each other.  I contemplate, “look at this body I’ve been given…what am I doing with it?”  I think about the things that have been planted inside me, the talents and gifts and I ask, “What am I doing with it… with all of them?”

In a world of uncertainty where tomorrow is a probability and not a promise, the actions and movements of today seem to demand more meaning and thought behind them.  A conscious breathing, living being, aware, awake, and engaging.  I have to admit, I have been victim to haphazard muddling around life, allowing the moment to carry me from one place to another only to look back at the end of the day and ask, “where has my day gone?”  It was given over to circumstance and strummed to the tune of another’s song; I was merely harmony, a back-up singer.

So the question plagues me again, What am I doing with this life I’ve been given???

How is my tomorrow going to be different from today?

How am I going to stand in opposition to “myself”?

How am I going to attack with a passionate fervor?

How am I going to be uncompromising to that which means the most to me?

Wish me luck!




Can It Be True… March 10, 2011

Posted by solrai in Current, Lord Help Me.
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The revelation hit me this week…  As cliche as it may sound to those inside (and outside) of a Christian circle, a verse that is quoted reguarly, “seek first the kingdom of god…and all things shall be added to you,” Matthew 6:33, proclaimed its truth in my life.  For the past three years and more recently of late, I have been working on putting my focus on growing myself to the woman God wants me to be.  I’ve found a church in the local community I moved to.  I attend three services regularly.  I have connected to the military outreach ministry.  I’m branching out.  Reading the Bible and other books to grow my God Girl Muscles.

In November of 2010 God placed in my life a God loving  (fearing) man that I have never thought existed.  In March we  are becoming one flesh.  When I sought after the Kingdom of God, (read, prayed, petitioned, cried out, desired, longed, hungered) to do more and be more God added to me the desire of my heart in my husband.  I let go and let God orchestrate who this man is, where he is going, who he is growing to be and how we would meet and enrich each others lives.

In awe and amazement (as I know God always is as God works out a good thing in us, at all times) yes it can be true,  moreover it is true…”seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.”

Day 41 January 2, 2010

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The anticipated 40 day fast (the second time around) has ended.  A new year has begun and as much as I was looking forward to an email, text, or phone call, breaking this fast, I was not the recipient.  Curious as to why that is, I am at peace to believe that all’s well that ends well.  I remain true to my inital promise to wait for contact to contact me.

The last 40 days of my life have challenged me, stretched me, encouraged me, frightened me, left me oblivious, have given me peace, have tired me out, and then some.   I know I have grown for the good and have (so I believe) a good footing/foundation as to the next steps in my life.

Strangely enough, as this fast has ended, our church has challenged us to Daniel’s fast for the next 21 days beginning January 4th.  I know only some things come trough prayer AND fasting, maybe it’s just that time.

Commonalities December 1, 2009

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I honestly think that I would have to be absolutely dense to not notice the common string of pearls that keep decorating my life.  Now before I begin, don’t mistake my colorful use of words as  condoning or a posture of jubilation.  It simply is what it is.

  1. Day one of my beloved’s fast, the part of the church sermon I heard was about marriage.  Staying married.  The purpose of marriage and if you’re single, be single, enjoy and embrace singleness because God already knows the desires of your heart.
  2. Item four of the 40 Day Miracle Fast.
  3. Thoughts coming back replaying an interaction in my early adulthood where a doctor asked me if the term adultery meant anything or had significance to me…
  4. Matthew 19
  5. One friend in the process of divorce
  6. Two  friends considering divorce
  7. Matthew 5:28
  8. Today, sermon on adultery on the Christian radio station.  If a spouse divorces due to the desire to be with another, question the one wanting to leave…you want to marry an adulterer?  Based on the nature and way you two met, who’s to say they won’t LEAVE YOU for someone else just like you are considering leaving your spouse???

It’s almost like everywhere I turn I hear adultery linked with divorce.  I have pondered and questioned:

  • If God’s intent for marriage isn’t fulfilling it self in the marriage, is that cause to leave?
  • Should a spouse stay married even though they are being abused (emotionally, verbally, etc)?
  • If there is a void of love, mutual respect, and/or intimacy, are you bound to stay in that relationship?
  • How do I comfort a God-loving friend who the above applies to?
  • We have been saved from all our sins, and God already knows what we’re capable of doing and will do, will breaking this commandment of “You shall not commit adultery” be forgiven if you divorce your spouse and take another?

All these thoughts continually run through my head and as they do, external circumstance places another pearl on my strand.

Day 6×2 November 27, 2009

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It feels like at least a week has gone by and I’m on week number two, but I’m sadly mistaken.  The last 48 hours have been a huge derailment of this train.  I think when I came to the reality of my reality regardless of anyone elses reality – I didn’t want to give my heart anymore to this cause.  I didn’t want to give my all.  Slightly depressed I battle with the knowledge that God knows what’s best for me.   I’m speculating all around the mulberry bush and not allowing my self to live, grow, and be.  The Thinking Disease, has completely infected my brain.  So what CAN I do?  I can pick myself up.  Dust and brush myself off.  Take a deep breath, and re-dedicate.  A life worth living isn’t bad, but a good and positive movement forward.

40×2 November 27, 2009

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Yes I began again and this is what has hit me so far:

  • Day 1 – Sunday – OOOOOhhhh wee!  The part of the message I heard in church today told me what had to be done (Matthew 19:1-15).  God designed marriage for a specific reason and should not derail from it.  Scripturally God does not allow divorce.  It only came about during Moses’ time because the Children of Israel had hardened their hearts.  If you’re single – which I am, remain single.  God knows your heart and desires.  What a first day.  My praise session with Kirt Franklin moved me – I am strong enough.  This won’t last.


  • Day 2 – Temptation will  come.  One of my “friends” colleagues emailed and said they were slightly upset cause we couldn’t chat after my business was completed in their office. Some customer interrupted his plans at the last minute.  I left him to tend to his business.  He obviously had something on his mind.  After emailing back and forth he made it known.  Another married man (with two kids, one only a month old) commenting that I’m very attractive and would like to be friends at least.  Throughout the whole conversation and prior I knew I had to deal with him and break the 40 Day Fast news.  But me and my mind rationalized, we’re just friends, it’s just conversation. No big deal right?!  I wouldn’t get tempted – which I haven’t.


  • Day 3 – Revelation – To Trust God Is To Trust God.  If He Says Don’t There Is A Reason And Benefit Behind It.  By me wanting to keep “talking to my married guy friends” doesn’t show my faith in listening or learing from the lesson.  Trust God With All Your HEART———-all your MIND——– all your STRENGTH!

It’s Me Against The World September 5, 2009

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As catchy as a phrase this was from the famous rapper Tu-Pac I find the truth of this simple 4/5 word statement in my everyday life.

I recently had the privilege of attending a three day refreshing revival at my church. Among all the great things that were brought to my attention and remembrance what stood out the most is the truth of why I am here on Earth. Regardless what may cross my path, what may try to thwart, discourage, or bring a seed of doubt into my brain and/or existence, accepting, succumbing, embracing, entertaining, or any other version of buying into the truth of a lie.. I am pro the destiny that awaits me!

Try your best all powers and principalities that live on dismay, brokenheartedness, confusion, death, complacency. I’m walking hand in hand, heart in heart with the One who loves and supports and believes in me and will see all promises come to fruition in my life.

Day 16 July 14, 2009

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6/29 – 8/8

Maybe because I’m close to the half way mark I feel that following the program isn’t as important as Day One or as in Week One.  After going through the “motions” it is clear that the Proclamation is something to live by on a daily basis.

  • Speak Positive (No negative talk, no gossip)
  • Compliment Someone
  • Give Something
  • Pray
  • Read
  • Make Healthy Decisions (No lusting, Stop eating before you’re full…)

When I read the Proclamation, I speak with all my being. Yet, if I forget to do something…I just double up later… It’s almost like it’s no big deal.  Have I grown lazy in my fasting, not keeping the zest and zeal as in week one?  Or is all this stemming from some other place…

I deeply miss one of my friendships that I have to put on hold because he is married (just to make sure there is NO lusting involved in my day to day dealings with him).  I understand the practicality of fasting on that.  I have read and listened to the topic of Lust.  Yet I still miss bouncing ideas and concepts off of him, getting a different perspective in my day to day thinking.

Reading what I just typed the thought entered in, “has my relationship with this man taken a higher priority than my commitment to something else?  Is my ‘longing’ for him overshadowing the importance of this fast?”


Profundity in simplicity.

It’s amazing that when seeking the answer to a question, the answer is already known fore when the answer is presented, a resonance is found, hence a knowingness of the answer already.

Looks like my 40 Days begins again… Day One(2). 7/14-8/23

I’m still going to earmark 8/8 and see where I am at on my initial journey… Kinda like the Children of Isreal and the time it took them to get through the Promised Land.  For me, I pray I make it there spiritually before 40 years while I am still on Earth.  And I’m not talking about Heaven.  I’m talking about, “we might be the only Jesus they see.” KF

Daily 40 Day Life July 11, 2009

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Thanks to my Aunt, I have been introduced to the 40 Day Miracle found at 40day.com.  When I first saw the email in my inbox, I brushed it off till later.  When my parents got wind of it and ordered the materials I investigated it further.  I have to admit, this challenge and fast on the seven deadly sins, is more than I thought it would be.  I would say that I’m a pretty positive, upbeat, fun loving, considerate, kind, loving…blah blah blah (or yadda yadda yadda if you prefer) kinda girl.  Yet the reality of my daily speech, actions, and thoughts proved otherwise.

This has been an interesting journey and although I started June 28th, I didn’t put all of my heart in it.  I knew I needed a change.  I knew that the current events in my life were leading me somewhere unknown.  I knew I need to dedicate some REAL time to building me as a better person.  I had to release some ties that I daily think about and am not supposed to revisit until my 40 days are done.  So many things have gone through my mind that I decided to blog them here.  Enjoy.

Meditative Monday April 6, 2009

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Sitting on the floor in nothing more than my birthday suit and a southern covering, I find peace and tranquility when I inhale and exhale God.

I find such comfort and relaxation, because as I sit here and think God I feel and consequently know, nothing can harm me, nothing can destroy me, nothing negative can live in this precious and beautiful space of meditation on God.

There is such thankfulness, humbleness, and awe knowing that I’m loved beyond all my humanness.

Thank God for God!