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What am I doing with it? July 27, 2011

Posted by solrai in Current, Lord Help Me.
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In a downward dog position this evening I look at my thighs who are closely hugging each other.  I contemplate, “look at this body I’ve been given…what am I doing with it?”  I think about the things that have been planted inside me, the talents and gifts and I ask, “What am I doing with it… with all of them?”

In a world of uncertainty where tomorrow is a probability and not a promise, the actions and movements of today seem to demand more meaning and thought behind them.  A conscious breathing, living being, aware, awake, and engaging.  I have to admit, I have been victim to haphazard muddling around life, allowing the moment to carry me from one place to another only to look back at the end of the day and ask, “where has my day gone?”  It was given over to circumstance and strummed to the tune of another’s song; I was merely harmony, a back-up singer.

So the question plagues me again, What am I doing with this life I’ve been given???

How is my tomorrow going to be different from today?

How am I going to stand in opposition to “myself”?

How am I going to attack with a passionate fervor?

How am I going to be uncompromising to that which means the most to me?

Wish me luck!




Day 16 July 14, 2009

Posted by solrai in 40 Day Miracle, Current.
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6/29 – 8/8

Maybe because I’m close to the half way mark I feel that following the program isn’t as important as Day One or as in Week One.  After going through the “motions” it is clear that the Proclamation is something to live by on a daily basis.

  • Speak Positive (No negative talk, no gossip)
  • Compliment Someone
  • Give Something
  • Pray
  • Read
  • Make Healthy Decisions (No lusting, Stop eating before you’re full…)

When I read the Proclamation, I speak with all my being. Yet, if I forget to do something…I just double up later… It’s almost like it’s no big deal.  Have I grown lazy in my fasting, not keeping the zest and zeal as in week one?  Or is all this stemming from some other place…

I deeply miss one of my friendships that I have to put on hold because he is married (just to make sure there is NO lusting involved in my day to day dealings with him).  I understand the practicality of fasting on that.  I have read and listened to the topic of Lust.  Yet I still miss bouncing ideas and concepts off of him, getting a different perspective in my day to day thinking.

Reading what I just typed the thought entered in, “has my relationship with this man taken a higher priority than my commitment to something else?  Is my ‘longing’ for him overshadowing the importance of this fast?”


Profundity in simplicity.

It’s amazing that when seeking the answer to a question, the answer is already known fore when the answer is presented, a resonance is found, hence a knowingness of the answer already.

Looks like my 40 Days begins again… Day One(2). 7/14-8/23

I’m still going to earmark 8/8 and see where I am at on my initial journey… Kinda like the Children of Isreal and the time it took them to get through the Promised Land.  For me, I pray I make it there spiritually before 40 years while I am still on Earth.  And I’m not talking about Heaven.  I’m talking about, “we might be the only Jesus they see.” KF

24 HOURS August 2, 2008

Posted by solrai in Current, Mama's Life.
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As my exciting life unfolds (upcoming marriage, relocation, income supplementation, growing family, evolving self) I find myself running into the same dilemma I did when I was a younger girl. How do I accomplish everything I want to do within the constrains of a day or a week?!?

The words of my mother echo in my ears, as they are retrieved from the files of my mind, “You have the same 24 hours as Benjamin Franklin did.” So simple, so sweet, so surreal, and all too true.

F E A R July 2, 2008

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Two thoughts are flowing from my head right now, fear/lack of trust and letting go/lack of trust. Ok maybe the root of everything is lack of trust which reduces down to fear.

I have a very close and dear friend who was (maybe still is) in a relationship with a man who has a hard time trusting women. While she has been all in love and considering marrying this man, she broke down into tears one night after attending one of her college classes. The teacher was talking about stress. Somewhere the sub-topic of relationships came up and the teacher bluntly put it, “If there is no trust, there is no relationship.” It amazes and boggles me that a fear of something in the past and a fear of the unknown can thwart the outcomes of the future. Not everyone in the world is bad and not everyone in the world is good. So why not trust a woman who has been truthful, faithful, loving, caring, and always there??? What’s the worst that could happen? Even if it did, deal with it! Living in the world of make-believe always awaiting for your moment to say, “I told you so,” seems not only childish but no fun, not adventurous, and not very exciting.

Not letting go/ lack of trust: topic number two. I’ve known for quite some time that eating sugary items (cookies, cakes, candy, etc.) is not healthy for me. Outside of the normal public propaganda on the subject of health, eating sugar weakens my heart. If I truly loved myself and honored myself, I would forgo the sugar (cookies, cakes, candy, brownies, honey, pudding, jello, chocolate, undiluted juice, ice cream, frozen yogurt, etc.) and live a Pro-Me life. Yet even with a medical doctor advising me not to eat sugar and the lows associated with a sugar rush, I still bought into the, I’m gonna eat it cause I like it and I want to, mantra.

My body crying for some assistance and receiving none, has begun to rebel against me causing confections to leave me completely unsatisfied a short while later.

About two weeks ago I gave up most of the refined and processed foods for raw, healthy, all I could eat fresh, live, fruits and veggies until 6pm. I enjoyed a generous salad at lunch and found a great restaurant because of this trial lifestyle. This week I tried to eat a casserole for dinner, I couldn’t take more than two bites. There wasn’t that life I tasted when eating raw fresh fruits and veggies the weeks before. In complete denial and disbelief, I’ve tried to eat a bite of cake, pumpkin pie, ice cream, caramel kettle corn that week, yet the same result each and every time, yuck, blah, lifeless, consumption that is leaving a putrid taste in my mouth.

Why couldn’t I just let go, and honor my body, be Pro-Me and show God that I am truly thankful for this body and treat it as the temple it was designed to be? Could my lack of honor and humility be ignorance thinking I know better than God? It’s so easy to eat healthy, and so much easier to say, “Yes, I wold like this confection you are offering…”

You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit who is in you. You have received the Holy Spirit from God. So you do not belong to yourselves,

1 Corinthians 6:19 (New Century Version) found at biblegateway.com

New Century Version (NCV)The Holy Bible, New Century Version®. Copyright © 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

June 16th, 2008 June 26, 2008

Posted by solrai in Love Life.
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I cried out to the Lord one day.

I asked God for a sign.

(I thought it came to me in a license plate, the name of a state.)

When later that evening the basis of my request spoke to me.

I heard words of opposition in my ears.

Confused & baffled,

I pleaded for clarity from the source – but found none.

Words that were not responded to.

A dead silence hung in the air,

And the desire of death raged in my heart and galloped through my mind.


A sweet child,

I once was,




Now many years exhausted,

Tear worn eyes are bloodshot,

Faith in him is lost.

Life lays all around me,

And I’m searching for the girl I once was,

The Lady who’s been lost.

Increasing Love June 25, 2008

Posted by solrai in Mama's Life.
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Until you have children you never really realize how deep a capacity to love is humanly possible. I have two wondrous boys, an infant and a toddler who is quickly growing into an adolescent. Each day, in every smile, and through every word of love, these two boys increase the love I have for them. It’s absolutely amazing. I think that by allowing myself to be open to be the mother I need to be and grow in love for these children this increase of love is spilling over to the growing love I have for my husband. It’s a beautiful thing when you wake up or find something new to love a person for. To be truly grateful and honor your spouse is a treasure in itself.

Simply Amazing!

Check out 1Corinthians13:13.

After much searching I found a part of myself!!! June 23, 2008

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Yes it is 2008 and after much searching I found my lost (conveniently filed away) username and password for my blog. So here I am ready to “blog on!”

In Ventura County a spicy, witty, and oh so attractive periodical has come to town. It’s called skirt! and rightfully so. There are so many things you can do with a skirt. Wear it short. Wear it long. Pleated, A-shaped, flared, tube; in chiffon, satin, denim, linen, or any other endless possibility. One can even skirt a subject. skirt! is a must read! It’s fashionable, full of flavor, boldness and quiet reflection.

My One IS One February 13, 2006

Posted by solrai in Mama's Life.
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Sunday, February 12th, marked my son’s first birthday by traditional standards. I like to mark the date of conception as the beginning of his life (in May he’ll be two years old). Today I thought back to this day one year ago and the events that lead to his birth. My water broke two days prior to his travel down the birth canal. I remember having to rent a breast pump on the twelth to start my contractions (all I thought I was having were “Braxton Hicks”). I wanted to leave my house soooo bad and be at the birthing center with my midwife, yet she told me to hold on. I wasn’t ready yet to make that trip.

In the late afternoon my friend and I went for a walk. By time we finished it was almost time to travel to the birthing center. The truck ride was the worst. There is nothing more uncomfortable than going through contractions in a confined space that you can’t really move around in. About an hour after we arrived (my friend and I) a son was born. Healthy and with rich lips, that was the first thing I noticed about him. The midwife had to ask me what sex the baby was. I was so in the moment, the sex of the child didn’t matter. God brought me into motherhood with a healthy infant in my arms. I was excited, overwhelmed, and thankful. God entrusted me with Aaron.

I need to P.U.S.H. January 10, 2006

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This evening I sat in the living room 1/2 listening to the news. Normally I disregard the commentary and narrative of world events yet  I stayed.  The CNN newscaster mentioned the current tactics of some of our terrorists, to use HIV positive suicide bombers. When my brain processed that audible message, I froze and became scared for the first time this “war” has been going on. I am truly afraid for my life and the life of my loved ones. I almost feel a pull to voluntarily go into the far desert to thwart those from touching the ones I love, even at the price of my life. I understand this feeling of kill or be killed.

Earlier today I sat in the office of a Christian woman. From her worn P.U.S.H. key ring, the statue on the side table, and another article, I reflected on my life. I have never P.U.S.H.ed for anything. I need to pray more. And pray more diligently with reverence on a daily, several times a day basis.

Thinking about my prayer life (rather lack there of) makes my heart ache. I might be able to shield off some of these feelings and situations if I prayed more. What injustice am I participating in due to my lack of involvement through inaction?

2006 January 4, 2006

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“Revial fire fall. Revival FIRE FALL! Revival fire fall.” This chorus ran through my head since the beginning of this year.

I never thought I would be in this place, the space in my life where I am truly desiring to let go of all that I thought I knew to become a Disciple of Christ, like my dogtags characterized two years ago when I left boot camp in Great Lakes, Michigan. I’m not talking about the textbook version of the above statement but the real embodiment of discipleship. The path of discipline to Christ. Being Christ like outside of the confines of church, talking to a church member, or when you remember that you forgot (when you thought thoughts, and said words that were not of a positive nature).

The past three days have been reserved for a revival at CftN. I have seen how I have gone from making a choice that is not in my highest interest with the Kingdom of God and then asking God for strength in a frightening apprehension all in the same day, January 2nd to be prescise. I too have been riding the fence as in Revelation 3:16.

A constant battle between flesh and Spirit. Yet I am reminded, “If you so love God, as your heart proclaims you do, why not live a life that will bring joy to His heart and a smile upon His face everytime He looks at you and thinks about you?”

I have so much to be thankful for… my life for 1. My health, 2. A comfortable roof over my head, 3. Food in our kitchen, shelves and refrigerator included, 4. Fresh water to drink, indoor plumbing, hot water, soap(s), clothes to choose from, the opportunity to go to school, the freedom to go to church openly. I can stand on the street corner and yell or hold a sign that says, ” I love Jesus,” and not be thrown in jail, or die.

Then again… as I typed the above a pinch is felt in my Spirit, “if you love Jesus, show it, act like it, be that love.”

That is what I wish in 2006, to be love with every breath, every moment, with all people.